I miss my friends. I miss LJ. I miss the times where I used to actually connect with people instead of just skirting around the truth all the time. I miss who I was when I spent most of my time here. I miss falling in love (affectionately, not IN love in love) with people who I had never met in real life because their personalities were so vibrant, even if they never thought they were. I miss knowing exactly who I was before my life changed drastically, yet didn't change at all. I miss the past. I miss writing. I miss music. I miss getting excited over silly things.
I miss you guys. More than I ever thought I would.
As humans, it's our natural ability to become attached. Whether it's to people, things, memories, or moments, we all get attached. That's why there's no use trying to detach yourself from everything. Even if you try and remain unattached, the most it will ever be is a lie, because deep down, we all grow fond of things and come to care about them. It's our nature.
When I was dying, years ago, I was in that state. I had completely detached myself from everything and everyone, I no longer gave a shit if I was alive or not because I didn't care if I left everything behind. Or at least that's what I told myself. That's the way that I had groomed myself into thinking. But then my dog came into my room, sniffed my face, and I started to cry. I realized then that, even though I'd tried to hard not to be, I was attached. Not just to my dog, but to everyone in my life at the time.
After that, I stopped fighting it. I allowed myself to become attached to people, and you know what? Yeah, it hurts when they leave, when you're betrayed, but not everyone is going to leave. And the pain you experience from those who do leave is far exceeded by the joy you experience with the ones who stick around. And even if someone you expected to stay winds up leaving, you're able to remember the good memories far more often than the bad ones, because you haven't focused on the negative aspects and the idea of them being gone.
In the end, it's worth it to just stop worrying about what might happen and live your life loving and enjoying every moment. It's worth it to just experience things, let happen what will happen, and learn to be thankful for every moment that you breathe. Not everyone has the chance to live their life so freely, so why worry about what might happen later? You'll still be far more lucky that you will ever know.
This is the tl;dr version of my last post, which is now private.THE END
- I have lots of medical shit going on. Diagnosed ADHD, having Sinus surgery, need to get tons of shit done to my teeth including 2 root canals and having all my wisdom teeth pulled before July when my dental insurance runs out.
- I work about 50 hours a week between two jobs, plus at least 2 doctors appointments a week, hence why I'm never around anymore.
- I fucking love my friends.
- I also have this kind of gigantic crush on a guy I met at Otakon. He's exactly my type, not only in looks, but also in personality. It's kind of amazing, really. Nothing will ever come from it most likely, but it's still nice to just know that guys like that exist, right?
- We're filing a lawsuit against the guy who owns the property connected to ours. We've had issues with them for years, and it's entirely because of their living habits, not ours. We're really just sick of it. Also, we have connections. The Secretary of the State was the one to call on our behalf, and if all goes well the Vice Presidents' son is going to be the one representing us in civil court. So yeah, this dude is fucking screwed.
- I've really gotten too good at running on little to no sleep.
- I am super insanely stoked for SHINee's comeback, whenever it will be. I also wish Bang Yong Gook had stayed a solo artist. EXO's song bored the living shit out of me. I miss Infinite. And 5Dolls. :(
- The anime Fairy Tail is quite possibly one of the most amazing things I've seen in a long ass fucking time. Yes, that required that many cuss words. I haven't gotten so addicted to an anime so fast since Soul Eater.
- Also, Final Fantasy IX is fucking amazing. I'm only at the Iifa Tree on the second disc, haven't played in a while, but it's still amazingggggggg.
So, how have you guys been?
I think that after I'm done with the replay 4 japan fics, I'm going to stop writing fanfiction. I want to focus on my own writing, on becoming a legit author, and I can't do that if I'm writing nothing but fics.
Also, I have not been inspired since SHINee stopped promoting Hello. Which has caused me to realize that I'm not really inspired by Kpop fandom at all, it's just those boys.
/forever a shawol. the sane kind, of course.
So, it's 2:00AM and I should be asleep.
...... Right. Sleep. As if that's happening.
I have to get up at 8AM to get ready for work but omg I do not want this vacation to end.
Also, apparently I have laryngitis. Yeah, I'm sounding a bit more like myself but by no means perfect. I still can't do high pitched noises and I still can't yell. So like, if I were to shout "sheep!" it would sound more like "ship." Ugh. Do not want to go to work tomorrow /sobs forever
So apparently Will thinks we're going to last a fucking long time. I think he's right. We even decided that as long as things go well, we're eventually gonna move in together (after like a year and a half or so) and we're going to have a pet, either a cat or a dog, and we're going to name it Riku. Well, to be more accurate, Rikku if it's a female, Riku if it's a male. Hurr durr, we are dorks. :3
What the fuck is going on with my life. It's just like. One huge thing after another. But I'm not freaking out, wtf.
..... I think next week when Will comes over, I'm going to listen to Right Here in My Arms by HIM for the first time since the shit with my cousin happened. That was a HUGE trigger for the longest time but I think... if I'm with him, I'll be able to listen to a song that used to be my favorite in the whole world.
Um. I really don't have anything else to talk about. Except I really really want a new computer, one with a badass processor that can handle me leaving Opera open while having iTunes playing and working on GIMP. I fucking miss graphics but I hate having to close everything else down in order to use it. =/ Stupid laptop.
i really like this layout.
i really miss my lj icons.
i really miss my paid account.
but i said i wouldn't buy a new one until i finished at least one of the replay4japan fics and posted it.
i seriously think i have a.d.d.
it's impossible to concentrate anymore.
fuck school, fuck work. i just want to stay at home and write.
i won't see will until almost a month after we started going out. wtf.
and we'll be with a large group yay~
i just. i miss him. i want to be around him.
i want to glomp him, and hug him, and just know he's there.
because i am a big pile of fucking sap.
kind of like muk from pokemon, except i don't smell badly.
OH AND ALSO. i've lost my voice. :(
i can't speak or shout or anything. it doesn't hurt, it's just gone.
and it sucked because we were driving a lot yesterday and i tried screaming "sheep" when we passed some, and it barely came out.
also my ears are infected so i'm half deaf and can't figure out what volume my voice is at.
ugh what the hell............
DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANY RATING/STAMPING COMMUNITIES THAT ARE STILL ACTIVE?????
MY FISH IS SUCH A FRIGGIN WEIRDO.
Okay, so he loves to eat. Like, a lot. Every time he sees my hand going above his tank, he gets all excited and goes to where my fingers are and his fins start fluttering like crazy and he stretches out his tail and everything. And then I usually either feed him, or pull my hand back. Sometimes I reach in the water and pet him, because he's a badass betta.
But today, I stuck my pinky in the water to see what he would do. And you know what he did? He bit me. No, it was more like he was trying to eat my finger. Wtf, MY FISH TRIED TO EAT ME.
That is all.
i told you this was a random entry.
So, I have a bit of a dilemma. I want to go to SMTown New York badly. As in, my entire body just kind of shakes when I think about the last time I saw them in LA, and the fact that it's only a 3 hour drive away, or even a moderately long train ride. It's so close, guys. So fucking close.
But I don't want to go alone. And I can't afford the hotel room by myself, not unless I have at least 2 or 3 other people splitting it with me. Which is likely not going to happen, because my only IRL friend who actually likes Kpop is currently LIVING in Seoul. I doubt she'd fly back to the US to see something she could see there anyway.
So yeah. If anyone here on my Flist is planning on going to SMTown, let me know. We can work something out, and split a hotel room nearby so that it won't be QUITE as damn expensive.
That's really all I have to say. Will update with Otakon pics as soon as my computer lets me run GIMP. I swear, I need a new laptop with a better processor so bad....
Also, I've been watching One Piece for the last two hours. I don't know why I like it. I'm actually not even sure if I do, it's just so easy to watch. Kind of mindless, like Bleach. Or shoujo anime, without all the sparkles and squeals.